6 Times Greg Land’s art bummed me out in Uncanny X-Men #1

So, it’s no secret: Greg Land is a person living on this planet. A person who, against all reason, continues to get work. A fact that should convince any religiously inclined person to abandon all their beliefs and embrace some form of militant atheism. I mean, I’m not the first person to notice this either. The documentation of his tracing and stealing from other artists and sources including porn, other comics, his own art, and straight up ripping off real life is almost painfully well-documented, and he still gets work. And then, as if that’s not bad enough, he has the gall to go and draw all up on my beloved X-Men. And so it is I ask you to pour yourself a heaping bowl of disappointment and suffer right along with me as I show in no particular order (presented chronologically):

6 Times Uncanny X-Men #1’s art totally bummed me out

What’s wrong with your window?

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You see that weird yellow smudge? Now that I know what it is, it’s difficult to not see what it for what it is:  reflection of Sabretooth flying through the air. But as I was reading, its bright contrast caused me to ask, “Did Magneto smash their window? Did they drive through mud or chemicals? Did I miss something?” No. It’s just an amorphous homunculus person with webbed sides. Y’know, like a duck’s foot, except for people!

Monet shows up stoned for the fight.

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Monet is one of the reasons I was super stoked for this relaunch. She’s one of the most stylish characters out of Generation X – the most under-reported and possibly best X-book of the past 25 years. Keep in mind that Monet’s character is that of a very serious, stern person, and from that stance this isn’t bad art per se (though it is, stay tuned), just thematically confusing. So here we have a serious, stern person in the middle of a fight, but who apparently, just got, like, F’n ripped before getting here, and she was just, like, thinking of that scene? From Seinfeld? You know, that guy, who’s all like, “No more salads for you!” Oh man, Soup Nazi. That’s him. So funny. Did I drop my phone? I just had it. Oh man, it’s in my hand! They call ’em fingers, but you never see ’em fing.

Oh wait. There they go.

Land has an amputation fetish.

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I know this is the same picture of Monet I just used, but stay with me: in Greg Land’s universe, learning to fly means you lose the bottom half of your legs. Again, I’m not the first one to notice it. If you’ve spent as much time with Land’s ouevre as I have, you’ll notice a lot of the women he draws are flying amputees. If that’s his thing, more power to him, but I suspect it’s actually fertile ground for some feminist pop culture critique.

“When Monet must have asked her tailor to include more nipple room in her leather uniform,” or “It gets cold by the flaming garbage.”

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Yup. And just to make sure you notice, they’ve added patented Nipple Reflection™.

Guys, I don’t know what’s wrong with Betsy, but we need to get her to a hospital like, right now.

land 5What happened to her thighs? How many butts do you have, Betsy? Betsy, why does it follow me no matter where in the room I’m standing, Betsy? Did you dislocate your spine during that fight? But more importantly, what happened to your legs Betsy? Betsy, why are your thighs so short? Betsy, is it glandular, Betsy? Betsy, is it contagious? Betsy, I can’t have short thighs, too. I got things to do!

I mean, it looks like she has an uncomfortably skinny short thigh for her frame, and then two mismatching butt cheeks. She’s got, like, one of those magic Jesus sculptures that follow you around the room, except it’s her butt, and it’s on the side of her hip. He can’t even objectify women right!

When these mutants woke up from a cryogenically frozen fashion shoot.

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These mutants have been asleep in tubes for… weeks? Days? Months? yet they all came out with perfect hair, makeup, stylish clothes, and sassy walks. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s cryogenic sleep.

Greg Land’s ability to continuously land big name work since his emergence on the scene back in Ye Olde Times of CrossGen Comics (mad R.I.P., and one for Tupac) has been a serious mystery of our modern times. Thousands of hours, and millions of virtual miles have been devoted to forum space all around the internet trying to unravel that particular gem. But it’s baffling: it’s clear he wants his women to be hot and objectified, but he turns them into weird amputees (and no, I’m not saying amputees are weird, but it’s weird to be a misshapen amputee for a single panel, and then back to normal) and does things with their torsos that make you feel uncomfortable to look at. I wanted to like Uncanny X-Men #1 so bad, but I just can’t, and can you blame me?

No. No you can’t.

No, you can’t.

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