Monthly Movie Preview: February 2016

Get ready for a month of mostly meh films, a decidedly unromantic Zoolander 2 and Deadpool!

February 5 – Pride and Pejudice and Zombies

Starring: Lily James, Sam Riley, Jack Huston, Matt Smith, Charles Dance, Lena Headey

I like the book…ish. It made me laugh and it did get my students interested in British literature. Should it be a movie…probably not? Remember, this is coming out in February and will probably be a mess. I mean; seriously, at what point do we say enough with Jane Austen Fanfiction!?!? The preview does absolutely nothing for me. Zombies…meh…hot ladies killing…meh…Darcy…meh. The preview reminds me of Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing and we all know how that ended (exploding vampire babies). However, I don’t want to make too many judgments. I’m known for liking many a shitty movie. I have a sneaky suspicion I’ll add this to my secret M. Night Shyamalan collection. – Jené

February 5 – Hail, Caesar!

Starring: George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Jansson, Channing Tatum

After watching the first two trailers, I am a bit torn about what to think of this movie. Ralph Fiennes is absolutely hysterical, but I didn’t get the impression that he has large part in this movie. The rest of the trailers depicted the film to be a bit on the slow side. This is a Coen Brothers film, however, and they have a pretty solid filmography, so I wouldn’t be quick to judge this until I’ve actually seen. I made that mistake with No Country for Old Men and ended up being completely wrong. – Robert

February 5 – Southbound

StarringKate Beahan, Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Susan Burke

As a rule of thumb, February movies are shitty. It’s a month to be cautious about, which makes me a little more than worried that Deadpool is coming out this month. However, based on the trailer for this movie, I can guarantee this movie is going to suck. Like, for serious; who edited this trailer and who did they get to be the voiceover guy? At one point, some woman says “this place feel like an acid trip.” Well, this horror trailer feels like a lazy pot high. It will more than likely be on Netflix before the year is out, so I would just wait until then. Maybe with some shitty beer. – Jené

February 12 – Deadpool

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, TJ Miller, Ed Skrein, Gina Carano

It’s the movie all the people and critics are raving over, and for good cause! It’s amazing to think that Deadpool and X-Men: Apocalypse are coming from the same production company. Whereas X-Men looks to be a total whore-out of a heralded comic book, Deadpool is a love song to fanboys written in the greases of chimichangas past. Deadpool himself is a parody of another character, and his books never take themselves seriously. This is what has made him such an attractive option for a movie. With Avengers and Batman v Superman taking themselves so damn seriously, it will be nice to have FUN at a comic book movie again. – Sherif

February 12 – Zoolander 2

Starring: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz, Will Ferrell

Todd!….. Where’s my god damn latte?? It has been 15 years but we are finally getting the sequel to one of Ben Stillers best roles. They haven’t shown too much of what’s to come so I am hoping that there are still a bunch of comedic surprises not shown in previews. If the first movie is anything to go by, there is a good chance we will get some decent surprise guests. It looks like most of the main cast returned for the sequel. We haven’t seen Zoolanders kid yet so it will be interesting to see how that turns out. I personally am looking forward to another 15 years of quotables. – Robert

February 12 – How to be Single

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Rebel Wilson, Damon Wayans Jr., Alison Brie, Leslie Mann, Jason Mantzoukas

For all those without a date, February 14th has been known as “Singles Day.” Well, ladies, get ready to sneak in your pint of Chunky Monkey, scream at the scream with your girls, and talk shit about every no-good, down and dirty maaaan that ever gave you shit. Okay, maybe I over-sold it a little bit, but that’s basically the demographic How to be Single is going for. It’s the perfect film for girlfriends that are still suffering from withdrawals from Sex and the City. I’d be tempted to make fun of it, but Rebel Wilson makes this a legit pick. Unfortunately, it’s clearly the third-best looking film of the weekend. – Sherif

February 12 – Touched With Fire

Starring: Katie Holmes, Luke Kirby, Griffin Dunne, Christine Lahti, Bruce Altman

This is a movie I’ll probably go see at my local cinema. Bi-polar meets art meets love. All three things tied together might result in an intriguing story. However, stories like this can quickly go wrong or so far down the pain k-hole that it takes weeks to right yourself. But, it’s a story that I know I’ll instantly be able to connect to on many levels. I’m thinking bring a both of tissue and get ready to cry and possibly be enraged by institution of health. – Jené

February 12 – Where to Invade Next

Starring: Michael Moore

I can’t stand Michael Moore and have grown tired of the documentaries he makes. While the concept of this documentary is interesting, it seems like it is a bit late with the type of information it is presenting. The only purpose a documentary like this has is to inform the unenlightened. That seems to go without saying but the problem is that the only people who would likely end up watching this are already aware of the facts he is presenting. I would wait until this movie hits Netflix or a premium channel you already subscribe to; don’t waste your money. – Robert

February 19 – Race

Starring: Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Jeremy Irons, Williams Hurt, Shanice Banton

It is Black History Month, and there is… ONE movie out there to celebrate with in theaters. Shining a light on one of the most important sports moments in American history, Race focuses on Jesse Owens’ performance and experience during the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. Now, notice how I say American history, and not black history. This was a moment that our AP American History books seem to skip over, but the image of Owens standing on that podium with his fist raised is a prominent picture that deserves at least 1,000 words to accompany it. – Sherif

February 26 – Gods of Egypt

Starring: Gerard Butler, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Chadwick Boseman

I don’t have time to explain to you exactly why I hate Gods of Egypt so much. Sure, it could be because the incest raper Jaime Lannister plays Osiris, or that basically the whole Godsdamned cast is white (let’s not forget that Egypt is in Africa). Really, though, I’m pissed because Hollywood is taking one of the world’s most amazing mythologies and turning it into Pacific Rimjob. Even if the effects are amazing, I think I’d rather read a book. – Sherif

February 26 – Triple 9

Starring: Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Anthony Mackie, Aaron Paul, Normal Reedus, Woody Harrelson, Kate Winslet

If you’re a fan of fandom in 2015, then Triple 9 is your movie. There’s tons of violence and explosions, yeah, yeah, but the movie also looks to collect the finest supporting actors in pop culture. There’s Walking Dead‘s Norman Reedus, Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul, Captain America‘s Anthony Mackie, True Detective‘s Woody Harrelson, The Wire‘s Michael K. Williams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and a crap-ton of other awesome actors. It follows a group of criminals and dirty cops trying to make it good with the Russian mafia by pulling a huge bank heist. – Sherif

February 26 – Eddie the Eagle

Starring: Taon Egerton, Christopher Walken, Hugh Jackman

Inspired by true events….. I wonder how many liberties they were able to take with this story by putting that phrase in the tag line. It seems like they are really scraping the bottom of the sports movies barrel by trying to make a movie about Olympic Ski Jumping. The only saving grace might be the two main actors; Taron Egerton, who was great in Kingsman and not currently Wolverine buff Hugh Jackman. I can’t even look at Hugh Jackman as anything other than Wolverine anymore and I don’t think Taron makes a great “5 points higher IQ” version of Forrest Gump. If you really enjoy movies that paint sports in unrealistic lights then knock yourself out, but this is a movie that should definitely be skipped. – Robert

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