Trailer Trash: Movie Trailer Previews – ‘200lander’, ‘Gods of Egypt’, and More

With the constant stream of announcements, movie trailers, and teaser footage coming out all the time, it can be difficult to keep up with the constant barrage of movie trailers. Let me, our resident smart ass, break it down to you in a way that cuts out all the paid advertisement and ego-stroking and gives it to you straight.

  • Central Intelligence is a movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart coming out next June. The Rock is a CIA agent, and Kevin Hart gets roped into whatever mission Rock is on. Yes, it’s pretty much Ride Along with a likable actor (sorry Cube). Warner Bros. could have saved some money by spending money on a screaming blow-up doll instead of investing in Kevin Hart’s expiring career.
  • Ice Cube is back to star in Barbershop 3, a surprising follow-up to the second installment – which released over a decade ago. The whole gang is back, the barbershop has joined forces with the hair salon (but no Queen Latifah or Michael Ealy??), and there is a new problem afoot – the misguided youth. That just about sums up my feelings about it. I feel the same way I do about this upcoming movie as I do the prospect of Ice Cube dropping another album. Now I have to look forward to explaining to anybody younger than me that Ice Cube really was a big deal. He used to be good, I swear!
  •  Zoolander 2, or 200lander, hits the stage Valentine’s Day weekend 2016, continuing the trend of sequels that didn’t need to be made. The original Zoolander was one of THE funniest movies of my early teenage years, and although I will not publicly support it, I will definitely be seeing it incognito. Anything with Benedict Cumberbatch in drag is worth your money.
  • I don’t have time to explain to you exactly why I hate Gods of Egypt so much. Sure, it could be because the incest raper Jaime Lannister plays Osiris, or that basically the whole Godsdamned cast is white (let’s not forget that Egypt is in Africa). Really, though, I’m pissed because Hollywood is taking one of the world’s most amazing mythologies and turning it into Pacific Fucking Rimjob. Even if the effects are amazing, I think I’d rather read a book.
  • Ah, finally something to be excited over. One of the cutest movies in Disney-Pixar’s catalog is getting a spin-off. Finding Dory follows everybody’s favorite Paracanthurus (thank you, Wikipedia) as she embarks on an adventure to find her own family. The original voice actors are back to play Nemo and Marlin, but they will look to take a backseat to Ellen Degeneres’ Dory. It’ll be adorable, but too much dialogue – or monologue in some cases – from Ellen could get a bit overwhelming.
  • If you’re a fan of fandom in 2015, then Triple 9 is your movie. There’s tons of violence and explosions, yeah, yeah, but the movie also looks to collect the finest supporting actors in pop culture. There’s Walking Dead‘s Norman Reedus, Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul, Captain America‘s Anthony Mackie, True Detective‘s Woody Harrelson, The Wire‘s Michael K. Williams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and a crap-ton of other awesome actors. It follows a group of criminals and dirty cops trying to make it good with the Russian mafia by pulling a huge bank heist.
  • A snippet of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – or as I like to call it… Sequel to the Sequel of the Remake of the Remake of the Planet of the Apes – aired during Sunday’s The Walking Dead. If you visit, you can submit your best ape imitation for a chance to make it in the film as a CGIed ape. The movie doesn’t come out until Summer 2017, so there wasn’t a whole lot of anticipation for footage.
  • DCUA is coming out with another film, and guess what? Yep, it’s another Batman film. Batman: Bad Blood keeps the story close to the chest with the Bat-fam, with Batwoman and Batwing joining the fold. Batman has died/disappeared and it’s up to Damian and Dick to protect Gotham. With DC taking so much flack for their lack of diversity – and we’re just talking character diversity; I’m not even going to touch diversity in every other aspect – it’s frustrating to see every single new Animated film be about Batman some way or another. Animated features is the one area DC has Marvel beaten hands-down, so why not capitalize on it: Doom Patrol, Kingdom Come, Sinestro Corps Wars… The list is too long to count. However, none of those book have room for ninja nuns, so I guess we get Bad Blood instead.
  • We’re just within a month of the release of Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens, and the internet has been relentless in revealing a “new” trailer what seems like every day. Each “new” footage contains an unseen half-second of film, and while hardcore fans can’t get enough, many are getting exhausted trying to keep track of all that is going on. Listen, it’ll be dope. It will be the highest selling movie of all time. I don’t need a still version of the movie spliced together from millions of screenshots. I just want to watch it! This rendition of the first trailer by US Navy? That I could use more of.
  • Speaking of Star Wars, something not really related at all: Stephen Amell has said that we should expect to see a trailer for the highly-anticipated (or highly-tolerated in many’s case) sequel to 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before Episode VII. Amell plays a very retro-looking version of Casey Jones in the film.
  • Another travesty courtesy of Marlon Wayans is on its way. Fifty Shades of Black is due in theaters January 29th, so you can start planning your weekend around not seeing it now. It’s like they’re still running the Scary Movie concept into the ground more than a decade later. Let’s be honest, what’s the last parody movie you laughed at? Not Another Teen Movie?  Memes and Vines have metabolized pop culture jokes to the point that by the time the movie is over, they are not relevant anymore.
  • The movie that made magic cool again is back! Now You See Me 2 is basically Oceans 12 for illusionists. There’s somebody so dastardly that the Four Horsemen (Eisenberg, Harrelson, Franco, and Caplan) return for a comeback. One problem guys, the bad guy is Harry Fucking Potter. Good luck defeating the guy who killed Voldemort. Seriously though, this cast had really good chemistry in the original, so expect the sequel to be full of laughs and thrills.

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